To Couples Wishing To Get Hitched: Fuck Tradition, Go Crazy With It!

Traditional marriages are about as archaic, pseudo-scientific, and sexist like much of everything else traditional that many appear to have nostalgic sentiments over. To be held in a church is an obvious passing-on by religious order-of-things, symbolizing the “importance” of holy matrimony between the hetero preference of husband and wife – in itself deemed a “rebellion,” per se, against Lucifer’s evil ways of pursuing homosexual deviance and blasphemy.

You then have what we consider the ring finger. Thought to go back all the way to Ancient Egypt, the ring finger was established – the 4th finger on the left hand – under the pseudo-scientific belief that that particular finger attained a special vein structure that went directly to the heart, unlike every other finger (how they came up with such a ridiculous notion is beyond me). Thus it was deemed appropriate that a ring meant to symbolize eternal love between two people should be wrapped around the one finger which connects to each individual’s heart. While the Egyptians were correct in the ring finger’s vein line to the heart, what they didn’t get right however was the fact that every other finger acquired the very same vein structure.

And then there’s the traditional father handing over the daughter to her soon-to-be-husband. What appears to be romantic at first observation, in all actuality is a common sexist (religious as well, I might add) trope of women being considered property to the male counterpart. Throughout the Bible there’s plenty of references of the father attaining certain superior authority and property holder over their daughter, handing them over to their picked husbands only after the father feels the exchange is suffice and benefits him in some way.

Examples:

  • If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days. (Deuteronomy 22:28-29)
  • If a man sell his daughter to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the menservants do. If she please not her master, who hath betrothed her to himself, then shall he let her be redeemed: to sell her unto a strange nation he shall have no power, seeing he hath dealt deceitfully with her. (Exodus 21:7-8)

None of this is to say that a person shouldn’t get married. If they so desire it, then that is their choice and their choice alone. But today, a traditional marriage should be seen as what it truly is – a primitive, oppressive practice that should be abandoned and replaced with a far more progressive, updated – and shall I say it, fun and entertaining? – means of tying the knot, as the old saying goes. In other words, just go crazy with it!

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